The seven sorrows of a mother at college drop off

I find myself tied to the academic school year In a way I really haven't been In 20 years. My last year of school teaching was the 2006/2007 school year. I had been a classroom teacher for a decade, first In middle school as an English teacher, and my last two years in 4th grade. After my first child was born in January of 2007, I finished that academic year and then transitioned to stay home with my baby. I went on to have seven living children.

This year, that same child whose appearance ushered the end of me marking time according to academia, is today reuniting my life with the school year. She went to college last week. Yes, it was exciting. Yes, it was amazing to see her meeting new people and getting the essentials for her dorm room. Yes, it was exciting to hear about the conversation she had with her assigned roommate. However, I wasn't ready for the ache in my heart with a new round of firsts.

The ache in the heart of a mother is not a new concept. It's the only job where you literally grow a human from two cells into a whole complete person (and then make the food said baby needs with your literal body), and then spend years working yourself out of a job. I know, I know, your kids always need you, just in new ways. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But when you spend the better part of 20 years with a person, you know and love them pretty well, God-willing. Even with all of our flaws, we have poured our blood, sweat, tears, and joys into raising them well and sending them off Into the world of University to learn, grow, and encounter new experiences.

Different from my own college drop-off experience, this year parents were part of three days of new student orientation. This means we got to hear about how campus life works and see the resources available to students stepping into a new phase of life. From pick-up ultimate frisbee games to mental health services to how to log-in to the WIFI to free gift cards from local coffee shops, we heard a range of things (of course for the English teacher in me, the poetic telling of the school's history by an English professor was the highlight of the presentations) available to students. It was beautiful to experience that with her, and left us with even more confidence in her choice. We knew that she would adjust well....and have support if there's ways In which she doesn't.

But the drive home.

The drive home after saying goodbye felt at least three times as long as the drive to the school. Was I worried something was wrong? No. Did I think she wouldn't be happy or successful? Not at all. Did this mark a shift in our family that was both positive and appropriate as well as the end of something we would never have again?

Yes.

This is another step in working myself out of the best job I've ever had. Everything that's happening is ordered, right, and appropriate. There are hard moments, but the overall path is positive and necessary, yet I'm not going to gloss over the hurt and rush to the silver lining. It's not making myself miserable or overly lamenting anything. No, It's honoring the close of a beautiful and enjoyable chapter in our family.

When Mary and Joseph took Jesus to be presented in the temple, Simeon, the wise and anointed man declared that Jesus was the Messiah. "Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted (and you yourself a sword will pierce) so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.” (Luke 2:34)

As a mother, that would have broken Mary's heart to hear that this son she loved, the one the angel had promised her would be the Son of the Most High (Luke 1:32) was going to suffer and die.

Much like friends and mentors who have seen more life than we have or have gotten through trials we are currently experiencing can be a source of guidance, support, and accompaniment, meditating on the seven sorrows of Mary can help us cling to Christ in our challenging moments. It's not about comparison where we have to gauge if our sufferings are "bad enough" to stand up to what Mary endured. In the book of John we see "when Jesus saw his mother and the disciple there whom he loved, he said to his mother, 'Woman, behold, your son.' Then he said to the disciple, 'Behold, your mother.' And from that hour the disciple took her into his home. (John 19:26-27)

John regularly used language like the one whom He loved to allow us to see ourselves in the place of John. Jesus gave us to Mary and Mary to us. She is an example of how we can always remain focused on Christ and turn to Him even in the times that are painful and most challenging. Mary knew Jesus was the son of God and the one to bring redemption to the people. She followed Him all the way to His death, burial, and resurrection. She was In the upper room with the disciples when He appeared after the resurrection. She is a great model for us on how to move faithfully through suffering, not trying to stop the painful things from happening, nor gloss over the pain, sadness, and loss rushing to silver lining.

The Dolors of Mary, or the Seven Sorrows, of Mary are

1. The Prophecy of Simeon (Luke 2:34-35)

2. The Flight into Egypt (Matthew 2:13-21)

3. The Loss of Jesus for Three Days (Luke 2:41-50)

4. The Carrying of the Cross (John 19:17)

5. The Crucifixion of Jesus (John 19:18-30)

6. Jesus Taken Down from the Cross (John 19:39-40)

7. Jesus Laid in the Tomb (John 19:39-42)

These are beautiful passages of Scripture to read and meditate on in times of suffering. It's also an opportunity to look at the difficult moments of your life - say, dropping your first child off at college - and note the specific events and happenings. You can honor the difficulty and make them anchor points to the Lord. You can remind yourself that He is present in our sufferings, even saying to Him, "Lord, show me where you are in all of this."

Is dropping my daughter off at college just like the suffering and death of the Lord. Of course not. And also yes. It's a good and necessary thing that has really painful and difficult moments along the way. I don't want to stop them from happening because I know they're ultimately good, and I want to honor my hurting heart in the process and invite the Lord into my hurting heart.

So I give you, The Dolors of a Mother After College Drop Off. Moments along the way that hurt a mother's heart.

1. The Acceptance Letter - It marks the beginning. Up to this point, it was all somewhat hypothetical. You celebrate because it's a wonderful accomplishment. It is a reward for all the hard work and learning that leads up to it, yet after this point, everything is pointing to that goodbye.

2. The Purging and Packing - Looking at a lifetime of possessions and determining what to take along to the dorms, what to pack away to stay here free from the eyes and hands of younger siblings, and what to give away or toss because it's not part of life moving forward. Always bittersweet. Purging lends a lightness to oneself moving forward, but again, as a mom, things that have been part of your childhood getting tossed gives me a little tug at the heart level.

3. The Lasts - The last dinner as a family. The last Mass together. The last summer vacation. This past spring, we went on an epic 3-week, 6-stop trip. It was amazing and such a fun "last". We pushed forward with it because we knew the reality was that we might not get another chance. Sure, we could possibly do it together next summer in between semesters...unless someone gets accepted as a summer missionary, or has to work, or doesn't come home in favor of summer classes. So we took the opportunity. At church, saying goodbye to everyone brought another dose of reality with the hugs and well-wishes.

4. The Battle Between Joy and Sorrow - It was awesome to watch her make friends during orientation and hear about making a coffee date with a new friend before her first class, but I still remember walking along the sidewalk with her as a toddler holding hands. "I know, Mom, holding hands Is your favorite." Yes. Holding hands is my favorite.

   

5. The Long Drive Home - Yes there were tears. And when those finished, it felt odd to just put on peppy music and drive with the windows down. I like this kid. I'm going to miss having her around...even if what she's doing is right, good, and necessary for the future she's pursuing.

6. The Firsts Without Her - "Who's here for dinner tonight?" A simple question that is often asked when littles are setting the table. "Just 8 people." Followed by, "Can I sit in her seat since she's not here?" Even making plans for the weekend and planning for birthdays are different now. Little reminders that our little family bubble of everyone living at home has changed.

7. The First Visit - I want to be fully present and take in the telling of all the new experiences. I want to be thrilled to see my daughter and have her home even only for the weekend. I want everything to be like It was....except I don't because I want to get to know the person she's becoming. I want to leave room for who she's already become.

Lest you think this is a list of ways I'm just torturing myself, I want to Invite you to see it as honoring the real feelings you're having when you experience a change. Don't rush to the "look on the bright side" or the silver lining. Don't stay in the sadness forever, but like in the Psalms, it's ok to have some sad moments while you're praising the Lord. It's good to honor where your heart really is and not just gloss over it to only leaving room for something if it's perfect and good. The Lord wants your whole heart - especially the hurting parts because that's where He can love you the deepest. This is a place you can surrender the fear and trust the Lord. You can give thanks for what has been and make an act of trust that He will finish the good work He has begun.